The mind is the battlefield. The outer world is just a set of data that our subconscious and conscious interprets.
We humans are fascinating creatures carrying a whole universe of actions both real and imaginary. We view the corporeal world through actions from the past and expectations of the future.
I know this…and I know that it is my reaction to the outside actions of others that determines my reality.
But, damnit, the battlefield is riddled with negative mines. It’s a hard world to navigate to not allow other’s insensitive behaviors to set me off on a spiral of anxiety and depression.
My deeply rooted unconscious buttons are being pushed and the same frustrations that exist outward also exist inward.
I wish I could remove the buttons, demolish the switches, and readjust the picture with a few spins of the knobs.
I am trying, I am progressing, I am battling…with all the mental exertion, I am gaining ground. But, it is hard going. And in moments like these when the exertion is at its greatest during family filled holiday times I feel the friction the greatest.
All I can do to release the pressure is to write. Unleash it here in the privacy of my online domain. My world, my safe zone, my reality.
I hide to release my unfair expectations on those who are incapable of meeting them. Even though these people are the ones who once proclaimed that they loved me and whose bonds should dictate a different set of responses.
But, since I am the one choosing to heal, to find a healthier path, I must change my expectations and find my inner peace in the midst of hurtful expectations.
My inner reality must evolve into one that the outside world no longer has any affect and my expectations dissipate like fog awakening in the dawn.