This blog has morphed into something I never intended at the outset, but I hope the words I write herein will give someone out there in the cyber world some hope, some commiseration, and some solace.
My mother was verbally and physically abusive. She struggled with anxiety, and depression most of her life and toward the end it evolved into paranoia.
During my last therapy session of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) my brain flashed to instances when my mother was nurturing toward me. Nurturing being a lose term in relation with her, it always did involve a certain level of discomfort, but they were all the moments she was mothering toward me.
Afterward, on my long drive home cradled between the thousands of cars in the rush hour home, I reminisced that these were the instances that she could show any love.
And, then another voice spoke from deep inside of me, that inner spiritual voice that is intertwined with God.
“That was the best she could do.”
And, just like that, the bitterness dissipated. My mother did the best she could at being a mother. It was far from perfect, far from healthy and on many occasions left a lasting, damaging impact. But, my mother’s intention was never to harm me. Her deeply rooted subconscious demons were the ones that lashed out at me. I truly feel that my mother wanted to be happy, and desired peace of mind, but she didn’t have the resources nor the will to pursue it.
She accepted her painful lot and managed the best she could with the burden of her own mental illness.
But, I am not her. I am actually stronger. And, I am choosing mental health. I am choosing to do better, by dispelling the shadows of her demons.
NOTE: If anyone reading this blog suffers from traumatic events that continue to cripple the joy of life, please look into finding a mental health professional specializing in EMDR. It is an unbelievably effective and worth pursuing in securing your birthrights…peace, love and joy.