That Nagging Desire

I’ve written often in this blog about being raised in a physically and emotionally abusive home. The ramifications of that sick, unhealthy environment are far reaching. One of the largest obstacles is not knowing how to separate my individual needs and desires with the needs and demands of my parents.

I started this blog many moons ago to find my writer’s voice, because I had a nagging need to do so. I felt the inexplicable urge to write for the public. To throw my voice out into the wind and see what draft would catch it and carry it along. To see how far that leaf of vulnerability would fly.

But, I still question if I am meant to be a writer. I still challenge that impulse, obsessively checking in with myself, with God, and with my closest friends. This a consequence of having a mother who exerted absolute control over me with an array of highly effective manipulations: guilt, control, temper tantrums, beatings, gaslighting. You know, the classics.

I’m going through a difficult emotional transition right now that will impact my world significantly, and the world of those I love the most. So, like anyone facing a major crisis on the horizon, I distract myself with Netflix binging sessions. My latest beautiful distraction is The Magicians.

But, after every marathon session of three to five episodes, I return to the real world with a nagging desire to write and to exercise and that I’ve missed the opportunity to move forward in a significant way during my lapse into someone else’s creation.

Then it struck me, like a monstrous gong hanging in a Tibetan temple, that if every time I snap out of my distractions, my mind floats back to what I desire most, then it must be the right path.

Never having had the opportunity to explore my interests, my hopes and my dreams in a safe, nurturing environment, I often second, triple, quadruple – hell, let’s be honest, infinitely – guess myself.

To reach a point where I truly understand that this is the way God made me, even if it flies in the face of how I was raised, is a miracle. There is no escaping a nagging desire that pulls at me this hard. It isn’t a fleeting desire like owning a bigger house, or the latest iPhone, or financial security to travel, it is that nagging pull that is telling me that my calling is still ringing in the distant hills. And, it will continue to ring. I might as well trust it and follow…before my earthly ears can’t hear it anymore.