I started this blog five years ago. Typing that makes it feel like so oh so many years ago, yet in my mind it seems like only a couple of years.
I wanted to find my voice when I created this blog space. I was like a frightened child peering from around the corner of some rooted object to see if it was safe to show myself, my true self to the world.
Last night, as I languished in my meditative bath, I asked the questions I so commonly ask: Who am I, Lord? Who do you want me to be? Who or what is the being you forged in the soul fires to create the unique entity that is me?
The still small voice returned with – You already know who you are.
It flooded me with a sweet and profound knowingness. Yes. I have always known who I am. I was just so consumed with fear that I dared not live who I am.
That frightened and broken inner child that was hiding is now healed. And, I know the common refrain to find your inner child, or heal that child, but that child is gone. She is restored, integrated and all grown up.
But, what I do have is my essence. That dichotmic mixture of fire and water that is my soul. It isn’t that I return to my inner child. I return to my soul’s essence, my purpose, my hope…the purity of who I am.
There is no need to hide anymore, or downplay my essence. I am fully me.
And, the other absolute truth I have learned that even though I am fully me, I still have a lot to learn. There is still an uncertain journey ahead of me in life and that answers still allude me. But, what a great adventure is life? To live in the moment, but with my eyes ahead trying to perceive the next turn or danger.
I don’t have the answers, I don’t even know the questions yet, but what I do know is that I don’t need to search anymore for who I am. I know who I am. I am stronger than I have ever been in my essence, in my soul. That has been a long, difficult campaign unto itself.
Now it’s time to start down another road, one in which I no longer need to ask who I am, nor exert energy in hiding or awaiting permission to move forward.
I have the profound peace of found things.