Hard Lessons

It amuses me that my therapist has pointed out that my crazy indicator doesn’t function well.

What most people would consider abnormal behaviors in others, I consider intriguing, and friend worthy.

Why? I grew up with crazy. It’s familiar to me. I take people for their word rather than what they do.

If someone tells me they’re my friend, or care about me, but then they treat me poorly…well, they told me they were my friend so they must be my friend. Right?

Wrong. People often delude themselves and who they say they are doesn’t match their actions.

By their fruits you shall know them. – Mathew 7:16.

And yet, I ignore their actions and base my knowledge of them on who they say they are.

So, I am learning a hard lesson about who to let into my confidence, who to call friend, and who I open my world to.

By their fruits you shall know them will have to be my meter stick when I feel the urge to befriend someone.

Second, I don’t need to have people like me.

I have always felt like an outsider and the more people that like me, the more I am validated, and the more I am worthy.

If I accrue enough friends, like points or coins, then I am good enough.

Good enough for what or whom…I have no clue. But, my entire life I was made to feel less than by an overly critical, anxiety riddled, and controlling mother. Combine that with my introverted, poetic, sensitive nature and it is delicious recipe for low self esteem and shame. Yum!

I don’t need everyone to like me. In fact, there is a percentage of people on the planet that will never like me. This is a reality. Nor, for some of those people, would I want them to like me. Truth.

Hard lessons that I am still learning in middle age, and grateful I’m brave enough and willing enough to learn them with as little guilt as possible.


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