I’ve been scurried away unravelling my soul and licking the wounds of the aftermath. But, there has been so much knowledge gained in these dark hours.
Part of this blog will be to examine these wounds and epiphanies and hope they help others in some way. Others who have also suffered physical and verbal abuse at the hands and from the mouths of those that should have loved them the dearest. Instead my life was filled with conditional, manipulative love.
I think I am only now beginning to heal. And, that healing will take time. It took four decades to get this ill, hopefully it will take a quarter of that to get well. The journey has begun…only upward. I’ve been to the pit and I am climbing out.
One of these epiphanies is that it is in my nature to be deeply moved by life. I am an introvert and because of this inborn character trait I internalize the world and fill every inch of my soul with its emotions.
I am also gifted with reading and writing. Gifted might be exaggerative in this online community but in general, compared to the rest of this world, I am gifted.
These two attributes, my literary proclivities and my deeply affected emotions, have made me an outcast in the two cultures I inhabit; the white-Anglo Saxon American, and the Eastern European. I have been labelled an ‘other’. Not verbally, but by the myriad of derisive looks and off handed remarks.
For years, I considered myself cursed for it. Living in the shadows, watching from the outside at all those who achieved the expertise of the dance on the inside.
Now, I realize that it is a blessing. A blessing I will keep close to my vest, tucked away next to my heart, where my palpitations have rooted. But, it is mine.
I am different in the world, a borderline outcast. I look like the suburban mother, full-time teacher, but in my soul burn colorful flames that sense, smell, and feel the heart of the world.
I decloak the curse and redress myself with the blessing.
I am no outcast.
I am a writer, a poet, an artist, a seeker of the heart of the world. And, I will dance on that line, free, and bold, a prisoner no more.