Ambivalent New Year

I recently re-read a blog I wrote about the 2016 New Year. And, my ambivalent feelings have not changed, evolved, or digressed from that blog to this one.

It’s New Year’s Eve and like last year, I feel no joy or giddy anticipation over what the 2017 year could possibly bring.

I’m not sure of it is pessimism that fuels my ambivalence or my lack of things to look forward to.

I’ve been through a lot in my years, emotional and physical. My hip has been bothering me for a month now and I’m beginning to think surgery is on the horizon. My home life, for now, has become stable. Praise be to God. My financial situation is still chest deep, but with a second income I’m sure we can climb out in a few years. Things are steady. The storms have calmed and we are sailing underneath gray skies and a calm ocean with a stable breeze. Life is good for the time being.

I’d like to think that it’s because through the years I have become a grizzled, old warrior. Been there, done that, survived the darkest hours and soul breaking tribulations. Marking another year with a round of global celebrations will not change any of the battles I have fought nor will it dissolve any still underlying conflicts. It is another day, in another year that we humans feel the necessity to track in our fervent need to control the illusive and intractable Time.

I’m grateful for so many things in my life and I am learning to take joy day by day. To relish in my children’s smiles, angst, and triumphs; to savor my friend’s companionship; rejoice in my husband’s incremental self victories; and to embrace everyday as having the possibility to begin again. It’s my journey, my lens, in which I see the world. I choose to try to be the best little human creature I can in this corner of time and space. I choose to try to find joy in the everyday. That’s my renewal. Almost every day. Not once a year when I turn the calendar page.

Happy New Year 2017 – aka. Happy New Day – Every Day.

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