Complete sadness at the incomprehensible

It seems my time for writing on this blog has been hijacked numerous times by life’s unexpected and time consuming circumstances. Things of seriousness and emotional pain.

I started this blog as a way to express my writing voice, but often that writing voice is silenced while I survive in days, weeks, and even months in life’s turbulent storms.

These past four months have been one of those times. I have had the opportunity to write about numerous topics, but I haven’t. I was either drained, or in an emotional cocoon of survival trying to sift through my own muddled emotions.

I also fear divulging too much because life’s journey is full of banging against each other like boats in a boisterous and overcrowded marina. I try to remain silent to protect people’s desired anonymity.

But right now, I feel like I must write. Three and half months ago, my mother suffered a terrible heart attack which left her in a coma for four months in ICU. She is miraculously home now and doing well. Truly a miracle of spirit and perseverance.

While my family held our dismal vigil, another family was grieving the loss of their 20 year old son. He was brain dead without any hope of waking. He was eventually let go and allowed to move onto the place where spirits dwell without their cumbersome earthly bodies.

Today I learned that his younger brother has also died tragically. He was 17. This family has suffered the lost of two children, their only children, in less than four months. All I can do is just grieve. There is nothing else to do for this family. What words can bring comfort? I have none. All I can do, and I believe the most powerful thing I can do, is pray for them. There is no rhyme, no reason, no poetry, no exact Bible verse that can possibly console them. I watched them grieve their first son. I watched their 17 year old grieve for his brother.

Now, that young man is also dead. Tragic, horrific, incomprehensible. Meanwhile my 70 year old mother is recovering from her heart attack. There is no rhyme, no reason, no poetry, no justice. Just life. There is only life and this precious moment. That is it.

I’d like to think I have travelled my spiritual journey beyond the point of blaming God for earthly matters. So, I won’t blame the benign, all loving creator of the universe. I won’t blame anyone. All I do know is that life is precious, that ever single moment in this life should be cherished. The past is unchangeable, the future is incomprehensible, an entity beyond our control. All we can do is choose the emotions and the reactions that vibrate in this current moment.

In this moment, I write because the grief I feel for this family is too heavy to bear and I must release the pressure in these words. I must pray, and let go.

I pray for the family “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

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