Worrying over the uncontrollable

Worrying about the uncontrollable is like carrying around a rotting apple core at my center as my outward appearance remains cheery, fresh and inviting. Worrying about the uncontrollable is a useless activity that unfortunately oppresses my ability to be happy.

I’ve recently had a major friendship dissolve after a huge blowout when I reveled some personal information. My friend took that information, although dealing strictly with me and my household, and made it about them. They twisted the situation around to be about our relationship versus a circumstance that I am dealing with. The blowout has strained our friendship to the point where we have not spoken since.

This fretting over when my friend will reach out and try to mend her over reaction to my situation is slowly poisoning my core. Although I am ready to forgive her, and I have in my heart, I am disappointed by her inability to reach out to me. I have tried to reach out to her in a graceful way without rehashing what happened. But, my graciousness has been rejected. Now I am being ignored on social media.

At this age I’d hoped that my cadre of friends were beyond juvenile antics. But, I have been disappointed. This disappointment and worrying is plaguing me and slowly eating away at my core like that rotting apple I mentioned earlier. If you were to cut into me, you’d see it there, bruised and festering. My only option is to let it go and allow that inner hurt core to heal. Some friendships serve their purpose in time and space and this girlfriend clearly has some issues that she needs to reflect upon and hopefully grow and mature from.

My only hope for her is that she finds grace and her own forgiveness. I am grateful that I have reached a point in my life that my strength comes from self knowledge. If this would have happened two years ago, it would have shattered me and I would be a crushed apple, not just a slowly rotting one from worry. I would be groveling before her in a desperate attempt to reconcile. I’d be a puppy chasing after her and begging for her not to be angry with me over a decision I’ve made for my family and me.

I’ve grown and matured. I hope she can do the same. I also hope I can let this go before the rotting continues and my core is compromised and the relationship can never be healed. I always have hope. So, now I need to stop worrying, let it go, and allow myself to heal without the situation being resolved. I need to be clean, shiny, and healthy inside and outside.


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